Heartache

4/24/09

It has been two days of sitting and waiting. And waiting. And waiting.  Fish and Game has been testing these herring for the last 48 hours and there is still not a high enough percentage of ripe herring roe for these waters to be opened for fishing. So what have I done with my time? I have to admit with self disgust that I have wasted a lot of it. I have tried spending as much time as I can reading but 1) my current book is really heavy, full of philosophy, and there are a lot of distractions in a small living space, and 2) my brain can only handle so many hours of reading before getting burnt out on it. So my alternatives? I eat constantly and watch a lot of movies. Pathetic I know, but it basically is like reading in that I am engaged in a story, it is just not as much work on my brain because I don’t have to process so many words.  Mom and Dad, I know what you would say to that but it is kind of true if you think about it. Its just a different part of your brain that is in use when you watch movies, because you still have to process thousands of pictures flashing in front of you, feel the emotions of the characters, and listen to (sometimes) beautiful music all at once.  I started working out again, but that only takes such a small amount of time in my day and there are only so many kinds of exercises I can do on the boat. 

I had a really hard day today. Dave was so prominently in my consciousness and nothing in this life really seemed important in comparison to my deep ache and anguish. Some days are just a terrible struggle like that though-those are the days I just cant wait to be over. But at the same time I am trying to learn to embrace my feelings, every one of them, even when they are impossibly painful. I crawled into my bunk, my cave, den, hole, only place of privacy on this boat. I listened to Daniel and Whit play Mozart on my Ipod, then Brahms Clarinet Trio, the Dvoracks Cello Concerto. I was in a dark place and could scarce bear the burden today brought with it. The only thing that brought me comfort was the thought of the rest of the fam. I tried to come off the focus of the pain by redirecting it to thoughts of each individual in our clan. I am so grateful for that. Yet it terrifies me to think I will have to go through this 9 times more. And if I should go earlier then the rest, that they will have to go through it. Death is as much a part of Life as birth I guess. It is so hard to come to acceptance of that though.  I am not scared of it, in fact I embrace it now that I have had such a personal relation pass through that door. It has made it so real. Now I am more curious than ever, and  I can’t wait to follow his footsteps and see where he went. I guess I have to though, wait that is, and in his honor I want to live well. Mike my confidant, friend, coworker, inspired me to do a workout program with him this winter called cross-fit. It is the same program all those bodybuilder looking “Spartans” used to get in shape for the movie 300. It is more of a lifestyle though-ultra discipline not only on the physical activities, but diet and how well you treat your body.  I remember all the hours I spent in Health Strads with big D. We used to get up and run there before school sometimes. We loved working out together; we motivated each other, and dave especially loved the cable TV so we’d spend at least an hour on the bike or stair-master watching ESPN and sports center.  He knew the background of virtually every player in the NFL as well as the NBA-their names, position, stats, college, previous teams, etc. I never quite figured out exactly how he was able to store all that information. If I did, I would probably know 3 more languages by now, at least.  Anyways, my point was that this new workout is going to present challenges to me that won’t exactly be pleasant, but its always gonna be D in the back of my mind pulling me through like he used to. He was so focused on working out and to be honest I never really understood why. When we would first start a new workout regime after some fresh wave of resolution/motivation hit us, he used to ask me everyday whether I noticed a difference in his abs or his pecs. I used to laugh, make fun of him, or play along, and say “D, its only been a week, ask me in a month!” But as I look back now, I see he had this tenacity, this will, this desire, and once he got it in his head, he became so focused-to the point of drinking spinach smoothies and choking down those disgusting protien shakes! I just hope I can have one tenth of his motivation. I miss him so much! I find myself having to hide my face on this boat more than ever in the past year. I have almost felt guilty these last few months because my tears had seemingly dried up, and somehow my mind was elsewhere so much of the time. I just figured I had no tears left to cry, but I didn’t want to let my memories of D fade. Out here on the water, in the wilderness, it is different. I can’t get him out of my head. Maybe its because I wanted to share this so bad with him, and he would have loved it so much here. He always told me how proud he was of me. I question myself now whether I truly was listening to him like I should have. Whether I just brushed it off with some sort of artificial modesty, dismissively changing the subject. But how I realize now how important these conversations were! I wish I had a more accurate playback of them in my mind, because I am guilt ridden now when I know I shouldn’t be, and that a lot of this self blame is a natural human reaction when we lose someone close.  His love for all of us was so great, so real. I just hope he knew how reciprocal that same pride was that I had for him. It was always good for him to hear it and I only wish I could have told him more than I did. Sometimes I thought of Dave as the most transparent out of all of us. He was authentic and pure. He had a true heart. Sometimes I think he was almost childlike in certain aspects- in how open he was, and honest; he never tried to hide anything from me. I saw the good and the bad. And it was always more good than bad, even when he was fulfilling his role as “older-brother”. And there was never a moment I felt where “bad” in the real sense of the word, ever came out of him-only confusion, frustration, and hurt. I want to be more like him. Hold nothing back. Have no secrets. Be passionate about things with his same dogged determination. Have his sensitivity for people-his compassion and great heart. He was such a warm person, a wonderful human, and the best bro I could ever have asked for. I want him back so bad, and I know these are fruitless feelings, wishes, fantasies. And I know they don’t help me now, but it still doesn’t change how I feel. This is so hard. I don’t think I could suffer anything more difficult then this. It seems to dwarf any problem that has ever come up in my life, any problem that could potentially come up in my life. I want to keep him with me in everything I do, but sometimes I don’t know how, and I know I shouldn’t hold myself guilty for not keeping him in my thoughts every single moment. Yet like I said, I don’t want my memories of him to fade, and it is still too painful to try and write them down.  Maybe I need more time. It has practically been a year though and the schmerz is there as much as it has ever been. That will probably never fade though. It seems that in my entire life thus far I have been the one to leave, moving from place to place, from job to job. This is the first time I have been the one left behind. It is so hard.