5/6/09
Today I am thoughtful. We have been in the Village Islands the last couple of days in Uganik Bay, which is still Kodiak island. It has been frustrating dealing with the management of these fisheries. They are not opening certain waters where there is clearly enough fish, and it looks as if they are favoring the locals by waiting until part of the fleet(us and a few others) leave for Togiak. Jamie is almost sure that once we are gone, they are going to open it. The area that has remained open is pretty much spawned out. We have made a few sets and probably caught a hundred tons worth of fish, but have had to let them all go as they are mixed bags-spawn outs, immature, and ripe all mixing together in the same schools. We decided to quit playing the waiting game with the management, so we took off today for Togiak. We are traveling down the Shelikof Strait, which is in between Kodiak Island and the Alaskan Peninsula. We will travel all the way down to False Pass, which is right by the Long Sanak Islands if you are looking at a map. From here we cross the Bering Sea to our final destination, Togiak Bay. Its about 4 days worth of traveling, so a lot of time to think, eat, sleep, read, and watch movies. It is a beautiful day today and I can scarce spend it inside. I sat on deck for a few hours contemplating, or as good ol’ Bob Love would say, ruminating. Its amazing how being in a place like here affects me in comparison to the week I spent in town. I was a bit of a wreck during my time in town-vulnerable and emotional, yet out here I seem to have a clearer head. I become myself. I am still vulnerable and emotional, yet am able to come to grips with life much easier, much more naturally. I tend to become so wrapped up and self involved with my questions, suffering, and feelings when I am in an environment like a town or city, yet things are much more simplified when I am out here. None of it matters when I realize I am just a small part of this great life around me, a speck in this great planet, a flash of time in this great universe. I guess it just takes getting outside for me to realize that. I am grateful to be alive, and there is no reason to spend any of my precious time moping about what I have lost, what I have wasted, or what I am going to do with my life. Living in the moment, for the moment, during the moment is what I strive to do, but it is not always as easy as it is to write about it. I just watched a movie called “Lost in Translation” and I took a quote away from it that will stick with me for a long time to come. “The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” I am discovering a bit more about myself with each new day, and I am deciding what I want out of Life. I have always questioned the big picture, always moaned about how I have no idea what I “want to do with my life”, yet staring into the wake of our ship today, I realized I have to chill out, take “baby steps”, not worry about it. Mike tells me I am way too hard on myself and way too self critical. Maybe he is right. Learning acceptance and how to move past difficult events with grace and maturity often take a lifetime, but why not start now? And why worry so much about the future? It will unfold either way, no matter if we cause ourselves stress about it or not. So I got to thinking, what are the things I want from Life? Why not begin to tackle them one at a time, season by season, year by year, and before I know it will I be able to look back with satisfaction? I want to learn how to build. I have always wanted to build my dream house, yet fantasizing, dreaming, is not going to get me there. So I ask myself, what kind of building? What I need to know for my future abode is not standard building, so would I be wasting my time by starting with basic framing? Who do I need to seek out? Where and how can I find the right carpenter from whom I can soak up as much knowledge as I possibly can? What about sailing? What do I need to learn? About boats? About navigation? About the sea? I am already on a boat, and I need to take away as much as I can from this experience-be proactive beyond just my duties and chores as a deckhand. What about hunting? I have learned a little bit from Gary so far, but what do I need to know now? For starters, my own gun would help. So I need to buy a gun. What kind? Who do I need to talk to? Where can I find a good deal? I have already dealt with these questions, but these are the thought processes going through my head. Bow hunting is what I really want to do, but I think I need to build experience with a firearm; starting with the basic skill-levels before skipping to a higher skill-level. What about mountaineering? What do I need to know? How do I begin acquiring the skills? Safety is the primary concern, so when is the next avi-class and where? What equipment do I need and who do I need to seek out? Where can I find the mentor I need? What about climbing and surfing? How can I improve? When, where, and for how long should my next trip be? What can I do now in my current situation about physical conditioning, saving me effort and energy that could be used fine-tuning technique when I am at my next destination? What about the kind of knowledge I seek like primitive living skills, wilderness skills, medicinal herbal skills? How do I approach these? Breaking my life down into fine details like this sometimes helps me from being completely overwhelmed by the mystery of my future.
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